In Pain and Scared

I am really tired and my anxiety is acting up. If I ramble or jump from subject to subject, I am sorry.

My leg woke me at about 4.30am. It is aching, and I couldn't to back to sleep.  As I wanderer into the living room to grab my phone to check Facebook, it hits me what I have to get done today.

Again with a disclaimer: I am not a busy mom, but my mental health issues affect me. Anyway... I need to get to treatment, and I have no idea how to accomplish that without some sort of help. Kids are well, and they will be at school today, and again no idea how to do that without help. I have an appointment with my GP before school lets out. My day could be over by 4pm, if Brendan feeds us dinner (and he almost always does).

My pain was worst yesterday after going to see my psychologist. I am glad I went because some things became clearer. She also told me that I was coping well. Yay! Even if I don't believe it 100% myself, it was so nice to hear. Since I went out and had worse pain, I am afraid it will happen again. Pain is not my friend, and I wish it was like Facebook, so I could unfriend and block it.

Another reason I am scared is because I was researching Mycosis Fungoides (also known as CTCL) yesterday afternoon. The advanced stages are scary. My therapy session dealt mainly with how I was coping and dealing with my diagnosis. I told her about this blog, and she thinks it is a great idea because sometimes I think out loud on here (eg this post). But it gives me a chance to also process everything that is going on. She kept telling me to journal; well now I am.

I told her of my ideas to do summaries of the conditions; for two reasons, to explain to family and friends and for me to understand exactly what I have and what will happen. She thinks the summaries are a good idea for my own understanding and maybe come to terms to what that will mean for me. Knowing more banishes fear for me.

She warned about the dreaded "What if..." Monster. Because I am looking at the progression of the disease, I might begin to stop living in the now. Right now, it is manageable and likely to go into remission. Tumors aren't part of my disease for now. Yes, they might come, but I just need to continue all treatments and take new symptoms as they come. I will not What If... myself.

So, the pain will hopefully get some better management from my GP. The fear has lessened after writing this out.